


The Monty Hall Problem

by adroitstories



Series: Enterprise-99 [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Mathematics, Pent-up agression, this is really fun to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-02-03 20:30:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12755652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adroitstories/pseuds/adroitstories
Summary: Spock and Kirk are having a little row about math. And it's affecting the ship.





	The Monty Hall Problem

**Author's Note:**

> This was really fun to write! I hope you guys like it.

Sulu and Chekov were in the mess hall, laughing about Chekov’s birthday prank.

“But then—” Sulu wheezed, laughing, “—you should have seen your face! It was like,” Sulu imitated Chekov’s expression, bugging his eyes out and opening his mouth in a silent scream.

Chekov shook his head. “It vasn’t zat funny, Hikaru.” But he grinned as Sulu continued to laugh, tears streaming down his face.

“A FAKE spider? You jumped nearly ten feet in the air!”

He was still laughing when the captain and the first officer entered the room. They were absorbed in an argument over some sort of problem.

“Ensign Chekov, Lieutenant Sulu, settle a little tiff that the captain and I are having,” they heard Spock say. They walked over to the pair.

“Spock, it’s not a ‘tiff,’ it’s a disagreement,” Kirk sighed.

“And now it is a scene.” Spock turned to Sulu and Chekov.

“That’s okay, sir,” Sulu piped up. “We don’t want to get involved in your personal life.” Sulu and Chekov exchanged glances and both repressed shudders. There were one too many stories going around about embarrassing moments between the two.

“It is not a personal matter, Lieutenant. It is a math problem,” Commander Spock said.

Sulu heard Chekov whisper, “Oh, yes.” Sulu rolled his eyes—the boy was entirely too smart for his own good. He was going to get himself punched one day, or worse.

“Pass,” Sulu said. But he sat down anyways with the other three.

“The captain and I had dinner for the first time in two weeks, thanks to my experiments down in the lab and the unusual shift rotation this cycle.”

“And,” Kirk added, glaring at Spock, “—the commander thought it would be fun to spoil our date with an inane math problem, to which his answer is wrong.”

“Enough foreplay, let’s get on vith ze numbers,” Chekov said, eyes bright.

“It is the Monty Hall problem. Imagine you are on a game show, like on old Earth. There are three doors, behind one of which is a car—”

“You’re telling it wrong,” Kirk rolled his eyes. “There are three doors, behind one of which is a car. You pick a door. The host, who knows where the car is, opens a different door, showing you there’s nothing behind it.”

“Now the host asks if you would like to choose the other unopened door. Should you do it?” Spock finishes.

“No,” Kirk shook his head.

“Yes,” Spock’s nostrils flared.

“It is simple math,” they said in unison, irritated with each other.

“It doesn’t make any sense to switch. The prize is behind one of two doors. It’s fifty-fifty either way,” Kirk argued.

“Captain, the probability is two-thirds if you switch, and one-third if you do not switch. The probability locks in when you make the choice. We have been over this eight times.”

“Seven times,” Kirk pinched the bridge of his nose. “Now you can’t even do simple addition.” He sighed. “I know you’re supposed to be a genius, Spock, but trust me on this.”

Chekov spoke. “The Commander is right, Keptin.”

Kirk glared the ensign. “You’re fired.”

“What?” Chekov scrambled. Sulu laughed as both the captain and the first officer strode angrily out of the room.

“Am I still fired?” Chekov asked, bewildered.

“No, no, you’re fine.” Sulu laughed. “We should just, give them some space.”

oOo

“Good evening, Commander,” Chekov said as he and Sulu passed him in the hall.

“No, it is not a ‘good evening,’” Spock said, clearly irritated. “I have not slept because of this Monty Hall problem. I understand how wrong the captain is, and have attempted to explain this to him multiple times.” He exhaled. “It does not bode well for the intellect of the crew if the captain cannot do a simple math problem.”

He thought back to last night, where both of them had stood angrily in the captain’s quarters.

“The probability doesn’t ‘kick in,’ Spock. Do I have to teach you college level statistics?”

“I do not know, do I have to teach you high school level statistics?” Spock had retorted.

“Do I have to teach you eighth-grade level statistics?” Kirk had responded after a moment.

“Must I teach you seventh-grade statistics?”

Spock suddenly looked at the two officers in front of him. “Now, if you will excuse me, I must leave the captain a message about ‘kindergarten level statistics,’ of which I am sure do not exist on Earth. They do, however, exist on Vulcan.”

He walked away, and Chekov and Sulu stared after him. Once he had gotten a significant distance away, Chekov looked at Sulu.

“Okay, ve have got to do something about zis math to save their relationship, and ze entire crew,” he whispered to the lieutenant. He grinned. “And you laughed at me ven I said I vas going to take a seminar on math ven ve stopped on Earth for shore leave.”

“Yeah, ‘cause you called it ‘Funky Cats and their Feisty Stats,’” Sulu responded, still unimpressed.

“Zat was ze name! It vas super cool,” Chekov said, excited.

“It was not,” Sulu shook his head. “Anyways, the problem isn’t the math. They haven’t seen each other because of the shift rotation. And Spock’s experiments. They just need to bone.”

Chekov’s eyes widened. “VAT? Ew! Gross! Sulu! Zose are our dads!”

Sulu gave him a look that was disbelieving.

“Zat’s not vat I think, Keptin Dad is just my boss,” Chekov tried to cover it up. Sulu just gave him an even more pointed look.

“Newer mind! I’m teaching Dad the math!” Chekov said as he walked away, mortified.

oOo

The next shift, while on the bridge, Chekov was down on the floor, clearly looking for something. Sulu checked. The captain was still getting ready for the day. He hadn’t arrived on the bridge yet. Uhura, Scotty, Yeoman Rand, and several others were on the bridge already, though.

“Are you missing something, Ensign?” Spock asked as he walked over.

“Yes, Commander, I just lost my great-grandmother’s necklace. It’s an antique, and my mother vill kill me if she knows I lost it.”

“Jewelry is prohibited unless it falls under certain regulations. But where was the last time you saw it?”

“Actually,” Chekov said, pulling out a model, with three doors hiding something, “—vy don’t you try behind one of zese doors?”

Spock stared at the model for a moment, and Sulu braced himself. He saw the commander’s eyes turn to flint, and he wanted to stop Chekov before it was too late.

“Are you trying to _Monty Hall_ me, Ensign?”

Chekov grinned. “I vas thinking you could use zis to explain to ze captain how wrong he is!”

Spock continued as if he hadn’t heard. “I cannot believe this. Monty Hall is ruining my relationship with the captain, and now it appears as if I cannot escape it on the bridge.”

Sulu stood and stepped behind Chekov. “Come on, sir. The math thing isn’t the problem. The shift rotation and your experiments are keeping you and the captain apart. You two just need to bone.”

At the last sentence, Chekov visibly winced.

Spock raised a single eyebrow. “What did you say?”

“Don’t say it again,” Chekov whispered furiously.

“I said,” Sulu said, loudly and enunciating clearly, “—you two just need to bone.”

Chekov actually curled up on himself as he sat in his chair. Sulu, out of the corner of his eye, saw everyone else wince at the pronouncement, too.

Spock’s eyes were cold, but his expression was one of fury. “How…dare you, Lieutenant Sulu, I am your SUPERIOR OFFICER!”

**—Five minutes later—**

“BONE!”

**—Ten minutes later—**

“What goes on in my bedroom is none of your business!”

**—Twenty-one minutes later—**

“BOOONNEE!”

**—Forty minutes later—**

“Do not ever speak to me like that again.” And with that First Commander Spock turned on his heel and strode off the bridge.

Chekov had long since buried his head in his hands. When he heard the turbolift doors close, he looked at Sulu.

“Vy would you do zat?” he whispered.

Sulu shrugged. After five minutes of the ranting he’d taken to filing his nails. Spock had been so upset he hadn’t even cited regulation.

“He was pent up. Now he knows. Problem solved.” And with that, he returned to his station.

oOo

“Oh! Captain!” Chekov said as he passed Kirk in the hall. “I know you probably don’t vant to talk about math right now, but I have inquired about a math tutor and—”

“No need, Ensign,” Kirk said, smiling as he walked past. “It’s all good.”

“So you understand ze math problem?” Chekov’s eyes brightened.

“Nope!” Kirk said cheerily as he walked away. Sulu, standing next to Chekov, called,

“Is it because—”

“Yup!”

“I knew it,” Sulu breathed as he turned to Chekov. The flabbergasted ensign just stared after the captain.

“See, what happened is—” Sulu crept up really close behind Chekov, “—is that your dads had sex.”

“Okay, Hikaru,” Chekov muttered as he quickly scuttled away from the lieutenant. Sulu laughed and looked triumphant as Chekov visibly shuddered as he walked away.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope Spock & Kirk aren't too OOC. But it's supposed to be fun and silly. Please comment/kudos if you like it!


End file.
